learning myself

Over the past several months, I’ve been to a lot places, studied a lot of hard subjects, embraced many hard issues, allowed myself to become more selfish and less giving, and have become more aware of my own brokenness and inability…I would say, in all that I am learning, it has also been a journey in learning myself…so, in saying that, I will say, this blog is very self-centered, and while I knew most of the stuff below, much of it has come into clearer light as of late…

Here’s what I have learned about me…

  • I’m more myself while actively on mission on the field – in fact, I realized that people in Haiti saw a part of me, that almost no one has seen of me in Austin
  • I’m a bit socially awkward, maybe that is because I’m an introvert…I do my best to fake it
  • My favorite cities are places of melancholy, in fact I am drawn to them, I am attracted to them…or as the Turks would say, huzun
  • I’m a very selfish person – I naturally look out for number one first, and I hate that about me
  • I’m not really a man of prayer, and I truly am thankful to John McHoul for showing me this – but thanks to this realization, I’m working on it…
  • Joy is the hardest thing for me to come buy, and it usually comes when I have two seemingly opposing realities happening – pushing the envelope and being deeply connected and content with my family and community – which usually happens when I am truly loving and listening to Jesus
  • Preaching is fun, but real life-on-life discipleship is where it’s at
  • I long to live a story that my kids will love to tell their kids and so on
  • I am scared of three things, and in this order: very bad turbulence (I think Blanca has a video); aging; and oil – normal things like change, the unknown, and chaos excite me…
  • I love being out of the country, the only thing I like better is being out of the country with my family
  • I love obscurity, although I’m convinced I wouldn’t be content in it all the time – maybe I would
  • Would rather stay at home with my wife sharing a bottle malbec, as opposed to taking a once-in-a-life-time opportunity to meet someone famous or of influence
  • Over the past four months I’ve seen the extreme poverty of Haiti; the extreme wealth that has produced a consumerism and materialism that have demanded places like Disney World and Universal Studios even exist; and places like Istanbul that still puzzle me and have come to the conclusion that the same remedy for injustices like sex trafficking, idols like consumerism and materialism; poverty like Haiti; and selfishness like myself all have the same foundational remedy – the gospel… to promote anything above or before this would only end with creating a new problem.
  • Injustice really does make me angry, but not angry enough, hence my own selfishness…
  • I absolutely love being on this journey with men like Austin Evers, Brandon Hatmaker, John ‘the coog’ Church, Tray Pruet, Lamar Stockton, and many others…
  • That there is no such thing as arrival, which is why living in reality makes for a more content person than being a romantic… so, the journey continues…

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “learning myself

  1. Matthew, as I read this blog I smiled; at your honesty, which indicates your balance of trust and wholeness as a man of faith. I mused at your fears and if it were me they would be quite different, for one getting old is more a joy than a villain. Your talk of being out of the country draws me back a decade where great memories exist. Keep building the journey, it’s the all to often missed jewel of life.
    cheers.

  2. Pingback: Learning Myself, pt 2 « Emmaus Life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s